Gut Reaction

I put off preschool for Spencer this year. Initially, I think it was because I couldn't swallow the cost. So we worked on things at home, and provided other group activities for him like basketball clinics and swimming. I've always been concerned about him in a classroom and have secretly been so grateful that I haven't been stationed in Primary since he started going because I'm certain there are days he is one of "those" children. I have been dragging my feet, but knowing it was time for some more traditional preschool, if for nothing else than to better prepare him for kindergarten.
In all honesty, since I signed him up and together we've been counting down the days until he would start, I've really been counting down with eager anticipation. Quite excited for a little 'me' time. And then last night it kind of started to hit me. I'm not used to spending a morning alone, and although I know I will absolutely love it, I kind of don't today. Maybe it would be easier if he wasn't so excited to go, and have absolutely no separation anxiety when I dropped him off.
We hopped in the car as soon as the big kids were off to school, and he immediately requested Toy Story music. During our 10 minute drive, I listened to him sing in his adorable little voice. And then song number three came on. You know, the one were Jessie sings about being loved and how she and her friend spent all of their time together, until one day the friend grew up and went away. And those dang little strings started to tug at my heart, and my tear ducts.
He's been my sidekick from when I sneak as quiet as a mouse to get Justin out of bed in the morning-just praying Spence will stay in bed for a bit longer, not that he needs more sleep, I just need a minute before I handle his energy when I first wake up; to the tiresome bedtime ritual that includes conversations up and down the hallway for several minutes once he's finally in bed at night. We've done it for years, and this morning I realized that although I have projects and errands galore to fill the empty space, it's nothing like filling it with him.

I promise I'll be fine tomorrow.